Journals25
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Thoughts..
7 min read
I'm treating this post more like a diary, to keep my thoughts sorted. I think it'll help me, personally. Of course, you don't have to read or comment. This is basically just for me to work out for myself..
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. I feel as though.. I had not known what it was like to really be in love before. Our relationship started out as pure friendship, and steadily grew to unrequited love (on his side). I didn't know how to deal with this kind of attention. Part of me thought it was better to just let him go so that he can pursue someone else. The other part really wanted to stay connected with him. I thought back then that I was just afraid to lose my best friend. In a sense, I was afraid of that, but I feel like the main reason now was that I had unknowingly started to like him back, bit by bit. He was patient and comforting, and he wasn't afraid to tell me his most negative emotions. I still feel, even now, that I've treated him so poorly as a friend.. seeing as to how I was likely using him for some sort of shoulder to cry on whenever my then-boyfriend would make me angry or sad. Even after I was told not to talk to him over and over again, I still did. I wondered why. Even my sister would ask me, "If you say you don't enjoy his company, then why are you always talking to him and hanging out with him?" I had no clue back then.
Long distance relationships are hard, especially when that person is much younger than you and there are dramatic cultural differences between you two. It hurt a lot back then to know that my then-boyfriend's family basically hated me. His brothers would encourage him to never speak to me, and always gave him "work" to do so that he could spend less and less time with me. His parents pretended to be nice to me, but told him privately that things would never work out between us and to forget me as soon as possible. And you know what? I do agree with them. I think I was just way too stubborn back then to admit defeat. I held onto negative feelings after he told me that he had no future planned with me involved in it. I was pretty angry for several months. Now, I'm rather relaxed thinking back on this stuff, because I know that I've fully let go and I just think that the relationship was a learning experience for me. I learned from it that this wasn't what love was.
After we broke up, I started dating my now-boyfriend the very next day. I know that a lot of people would say that this was too fast and that he would likely become a rebound relationship that'll just last a few weeks at most. Boy, am I glad that this wasn't the case. I felt a lot happier with this new guy. He treated me with a lot more respect and I felt a kind of unwavering dedication that I haven't felt from anyone. I honestly thought that I was his world, and slowly, he became my world. He understood my problems, and when he became impatient, at least we worked things out and were both willing to put in the effort to fix things. I am not perfect either. I remember hurting him during our friendship prior to our relationship. I can understand if he had expected me to abandon him in the first few months. I think anyone would think that moving on so soon after a "serious" relationship was a dumb move. I'm so glad I did it though. I never thought of him like a rebound, although I was pretty confused with my feelings at first. I was conflicted with my feelings from my breakup, and the adrenaline I got with my new partner. It took me a good few weeks before I told him that I was ready to become official. I knew he was really nervous about what I was thinking.. I hadn't shown any true emotion while I was dating him during that time, and never told him what was going on in my head. Perplexed, I decided to dive into it rather than leaving him hanging. The love that grew within me flourished slowly. It was difficult to separate "friendship" with "passion". I hadn't seen him in that light before, and had never really anticipated that this would happen. But he was a really nice guy and I started falling for how he looked at me. So intense, as if he was telling me that he'll always me. It's wonderful to know that he still looks at me in the same way and it has never changed since then.
I have a ton of insecurities that harbored within me from what had happened to me. My past two "relationships" with men basically destroyed me. The first one left me broken.. I only remember crying for months and my mind would go blank all the time. I didn't know what else to feel besides pain. He violated my trust, and I hated myself for letting him do that. The second relationship left me insecure about my partner's true feelings. Both made me feel as if I wasn't important and people would eventually just become tired of me in the end. I had insecurities regarding whether or not I was a priority in their lives, whether they cared about the effects of their "mistakes", and my sense of worth as a person. It's unfortunate, but I've reflected these feelings onto my current boyfriend. I hate how this happens.. and I find that when I get angry or sad, I forget about the great things that he has done for me in order to make me happy. We all make mistakes. I just hate that I'm blaming him for the mistakes he has fixed just because of how people have treated me in the past. Even my ex-best friend took advantage of me.. what was I to do but believe that I wasn't worth anything. I started to push him away at some point.. It felt sickening how bad I felt about myself. He would tell me now that it's not my fault, but I know that it is. All I can do now is to fix it.
If anyone is reading this and has issues with jealousy and insecurity regarding their partner, then listen to me. It's not worth to destroy something great that you have with someone you love. The important things are the present and how they treat you now. Relationships involve equal efforts. You need to put in that effort to not let this shit get in the way of your relationship. I would often think back to my own mistakes.. I also would imagine that I would hate it if this was the last thing we talked about. As some people who have lost loved ones would tell you - Treasure your time together, don't spend most of your time fighting about things that don't matter.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. I feel as though.. I had not known what it was like to really be in love before. Our relationship started out as pure friendship, and steadily grew to unrequited love (on his side). I didn't know how to deal with this kind of attention. Part of me thought it was better to just let him go so that he can pursue someone else. The other part really wanted to stay connected with him. I thought back then that I was just afraid to lose my best friend. In a sense, I was afraid of that, but I feel like the main reason now was that I had unknowingly started to like him back, bit by bit. He was patient and comforting, and he wasn't afraid to tell me his most negative emotions. I still feel, even now, that I've treated him so poorly as a friend.. seeing as to how I was likely using him for some sort of shoulder to cry on whenever my then-boyfriend would make me angry or sad. Even after I was told not to talk to him over and over again, I still did. I wondered why. Even my sister would ask me, "If you say you don't enjoy his company, then why are you always talking to him and hanging out with him?" I had no clue back then.
Long distance relationships are hard, especially when that person is much younger than you and there are dramatic cultural differences between you two. It hurt a lot back then to know that my then-boyfriend's family basically hated me. His brothers would encourage him to never speak to me, and always gave him "work" to do so that he could spend less and less time with me. His parents pretended to be nice to me, but told him privately that things would never work out between us and to forget me as soon as possible. And you know what? I do agree with them. I think I was just way too stubborn back then to admit defeat. I held onto negative feelings after he told me that he had no future planned with me involved in it. I was pretty angry for several months. Now, I'm rather relaxed thinking back on this stuff, because I know that I've fully let go and I just think that the relationship was a learning experience for me. I learned from it that this wasn't what love was.
After we broke up, I started dating my now-boyfriend the very next day. I know that a lot of people would say that this was too fast and that he would likely become a rebound relationship that'll just last a few weeks at most. Boy, am I glad that this wasn't the case. I felt a lot happier with this new guy. He treated me with a lot more respect and I felt a kind of unwavering dedication that I haven't felt from anyone. I honestly thought that I was his world, and slowly, he became my world. He understood my problems, and when he became impatient, at least we worked things out and were both willing to put in the effort to fix things. I am not perfect either. I remember hurting him during our friendship prior to our relationship. I can understand if he had expected me to abandon him in the first few months. I think anyone would think that moving on so soon after a "serious" relationship was a dumb move. I'm so glad I did it though. I never thought of him like a rebound, although I was pretty confused with my feelings at first. I was conflicted with my feelings from my breakup, and the adrenaline I got with my new partner. It took me a good few weeks before I told him that I was ready to become official. I knew he was really nervous about what I was thinking.. I hadn't shown any true emotion while I was dating him during that time, and never told him what was going on in my head. Perplexed, I decided to dive into it rather than leaving him hanging. The love that grew within me flourished slowly. It was difficult to separate "friendship" with "passion". I hadn't seen him in that light before, and had never really anticipated that this would happen. But he was a really nice guy and I started falling for how he looked at me. So intense, as if he was telling me that he'll always me. It's wonderful to know that he still looks at me in the same way and it has never changed since then.
I have a ton of insecurities that harbored within me from what had happened to me. My past two "relationships" with men basically destroyed me. The first one left me broken.. I only remember crying for months and my mind would go blank all the time. I didn't know what else to feel besides pain. He violated my trust, and I hated myself for letting him do that. The second relationship left me insecure about my partner's true feelings. Both made me feel as if I wasn't important and people would eventually just become tired of me in the end. I had insecurities regarding whether or not I was a priority in their lives, whether they cared about the effects of their "mistakes", and my sense of worth as a person. It's unfortunate, but I've reflected these feelings onto my current boyfriend. I hate how this happens.. and I find that when I get angry or sad, I forget about the great things that he has done for me in order to make me happy. We all make mistakes. I just hate that I'm blaming him for the mistakes he has fixed just because of how people have treated me in the past. Even my ex-best friend took advantage of me.. what was I to do but believe that I wasn't worth anything. I started to push him away at some point.. It felt sickening how bad I felt about myself. He would tell me now that it's not my fault, but I know that it is. All I can do now is to fix it.
If anyone is reading this and has issues with jealousy and insecurity regarding their partner, then listen to me. It's not worth to destroy something great that you have with someone you love. The important things are the present and how they treat you now. Relationships involve equal efforts. You need to put in that effort to not let this shit get in the way of your relationship. I would often think back to my own mistakes.. I also would imagine that I would hate it if this was the last thing we talked about. As some people who have lost loved ones would tell you - Treasure your time together, don't spend most of your time fighting about things that don't matter.
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A new addition!
6 min read
Mreow. Hi everyone!!
I've recently been super busy because.. well we've just adopted a new kitten! His name is Charlie, and he's an orange tabby with a white belly and paws. SUPER adorable. Currently, he's still kind of frightened and getting used to the new place, so I can't exactly shove a pair of lens in his face right now for a decent photo. Once he gets settled down some more, I will definitely post a photo or two of him with my phone camera (something that won't scare him as much). He's actually such a sweetie pie, just very nervous of the new sounds and smells of this place. Also, our current cat, Pepper, scared him right as he first arrived, so that may have instilled some initial fear into him for now :/ He meows frequently throughout the night and day, but he's starting to sleep more now (which is good?). I've also gotten him to eat treats from my hand, and he's okay with me petting him slowly now! I consider this a huge improvement, especially after 3 days of having him here, since the first 2 days, all he did was hiss at me when I slowly opened his room. I think it helps that we keep him in the pantry since he can get used to random sounds with cooking easier.
Currently, he has ear mites (or an ear infection?), and he needs to go see a vet in the next few days so he can get that sorted out. We're planning on washing and disinfecting the pantry before we put him back into his space. He's not allowed to wander around right now, though, since the mites could spread to Pepper (which sucks but it's what we have to do). I'm just worried about how his reaction would be when we take him to the vet.. I hope he can remain calm throughout the entire process.
Truthfully, I am having second doubts about owning a cat on my own. This is due to a few reasons.. 1. I'm worried about how Pepper can accept (or not accept) him, 2. I'm worried that I am unfit to take care of a pet and just want him to live a good life, 3. I don't necessarily have a stable living place (since we're planning on selling this place later), but I guess he should be calmed down by then so moving shouldn't be an issue for our cats. I don't know.. I feel uneasy.... as if someone else could provide better for him. My boyfriend, Cookie, keeps on reminding me that it has only been 3-4 days now, and he has already calmed down a lot. Also, that this process usually ranges from a few weeks to a few months (or even a year) for a new cat to fully integrate itself into another family who also has a cat. Charlie seems alright with Pepper's scent (he's laid on her blanket already), but I'm not so sure about Pepper's acceptance of his smell. It's different with cats. They're not like people, and without proper human intervention to introduce them slowly, they may never get along.
Basically, for those who're thinking of getting another cat, here's what you should do (from what I have read online). Bring the kitten in a new carrying pet case and place the bag in a small room that has already been prepared with water, food, bed, toys (without catnip), a scratching post, and a litter box. Don't force the cat out, but open the bag so they can climb out when they feel comfortable to. Make sure there are no wires or cords or small things the cat can chew or choke on. Make sure you close the door. Let your cats sniff each other through the door. Don't let them see each other yet until they've shown good behaviour (e.g. no hissing or growling at the door) to each other's scents. After a week or two, rub a sock for each of the cats and let them smell it. If they hiss at it, then it just means that they are not ready to meet each other yet and you need to wait longer. When you want to introduce the cats, you can do this by placing them in their carrying cases and slowly move them closer to each other. If they hiss at each other, move them apart. Another way is also to just let them interact in the same room with constant supervision. Hissing is fine and normal, but if their ears bend down and their tails start to sway, it means a fight is about to go down and you should have a water spray bottle handy to break it apart. Never try to break the fight by yourself with your hands or body, you will get hurt. If one cat wants to go out, let them. Don't force them to get along. A happy or curious cat is when their tails are high and their ears normal and perked up. Usually, the best combo in this situation is an older cat and a kitten of the opposite gender.
... *phew* It helps to type this all out. I feel like there is more of a structure to this procedure. I don't want to give Charlie up, but I guess I have just never faced rejection so many times from an animal before (or another person, to be honest). It really hurts and makes me want to move on, but I know that I should just be more realistic and more patient..
I'll keep you all updated on Charlie and Pepper's progress 
Thanks for reading the ramblings of a worried mother.
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Back from Taiwan!
5 min read
Okay, I know that I haven't uploaded anything yet from my trip. I was there for a grand total of 5 days and 6 nights. During my "vacation", I had the worst cough known to man.. even my cousin and his wife asked me if I wanted them to take me to the doctors to get examined! I also came back to Canada with what felt like the biggest hangover of my life.. it's understandable, seeing as to how I was adjusting to a completely different time zone twice within a week or so. So when I got back to Canada, I was either sleeping through the day, or vomiting in the bathroom.
I just got sicker and sicker, to the point where I would have to skip an entire week of class afterwards to recover. I think I just over-medicated myself with the stuff that everyone pushed into my hands.. I took a lot of my dad's prescribed medication too, which wasn't meant for me to take but it did target the main issues, such as coughing and phlegm. My boyfriend made me stop meds for a few days to cleanse it all out of my system first before I resumed for a brief period. Now? Well I can safely say that I am all fixed! 
I feel right as rain, except that I'm stressed out with finals and final papers to hand in now.. but it should be done by December 10th, and I'll feel better about life until New Year's, hehehe.
I feel right as rain, except that I'm stressed out with finals and final papers to hand in now.. but it should be done by December 10th, and I'll feel better about life until New Year's, hehehe.The most unfortunate thing, though, is that I lost my cellphone and my favourite wallet in a cab ride back to my house in overseas...
SO I had to waste another $600-or-so-dollars to replace my phone and find another wallet to use, as well as inconvenience myself with losing my MasterCard and a good amount of cash too. I felt really, really bad... And to top it off, I came back to Canada and found that my phone's volume controls started malfunctioning, so I had to send it back to Taiwan to get it replaced! And replacement takes a week to do, so that means that I'll be paying for almost a MONTH of cellphone services without even using it. BLAH. So annoying.. I feel so dumb for losing my phone in the first place... I have to say, that totally ruined my experience in the end. Then my new bag broke (I fixed it recently, thank god).. I just felt like everything was going wrong in my life at that point and felt rather depressed about it. I couldn't even get the new kitten that I had wanted to adopt because I don't even have a phone to contact the people with. Now I have to wait another week for my dad to send it back. I've just been relying on an old iPod Touch that I got in the early 2000's (that I had given to my mom but she forgot it in Canada) for time and some super-slow wireless internet. I felt bad, my boyfriend comforted me, and now I'm back on my two feet. All I can do is make the best of my mistakes and not let it happen again, right? 
Now the issue is that I have no clue what to post up here. I'm thinking of whether or not I would like to include the photos I've taken. On one hand, the wedding, itself, was not as extravagant and the photos for the event wasn't that intimate (since I barely know the bride and I dislike my brother a lot). Most of this trip was about food, which was awesome, but I did feel disgusting after having only included meat in my diet for a week straight. I have tons of quality food photos... but would you guys want me to post those? It's nothing to boast about, but they do show what I was up to on my trip. I don't know, I'm just not really sure on that. Let me know of your opinions. If not, no worries, I'll most likely have more spare time to take photos after finals end so hopefully I'll get a small project going after that.
Anyhoo, I hope everyone's still in good health! Keep warm, and have a merry time shopping for Christmas presents!!
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Alright..
4 min read
So I'm back from a super long, unexpected hiatus. Sorry about that! I actually haven't touched my SLR for many months now and it's starting to get me down..
I got caught up with school, family, relationships, and just life in general got in the way. I got busy.. kept putting off photo walks I had planned, and just eventually forgot about my poor camera. I'm planning on resubmitting photos soon, and hope that everyone has had a great and productive year so far 
Coming up in November is my brother's wedding in Taiwan. However, I'm only staying there for a week or so, due to school, so I hope to get as many photos as I can of where I was born and of the wedding, which I hope will be spectacular 
Taiwan has a crazy night-life, so hopefully we'll get some awesome photos with my favourite lens! I will try to post whenever I can. I think photography, to me, is a rather relaxing hobby. It lets me think of nothing else but the photo I'm taking... and that is a kind of escape I get whenever I go on my photo walks alone. What it all boils down to is just me, my camera, and nature, and I believe that this time is special in its own way. Even though I don't see myself doing photography as a career, it's always nice to know that I can take a decent photo whenever I'm travelling so that I don't forget all of those wonderful memories that I'm about to create, you know?
Anyhoo, a lot of time's passed. What have I been up to? School, mostly, and relationships. I've changed my degree to English instead of Criminology, due to some unexpected issues, and I hope to graduate in a year or so. Cookie (my boyfriend) and I are doing well together 
.. which is pretty rad, and I'm thinking about getting a kitten next month after I come back from travelling.
I've also thought about what I would like to do with my life. I've gone through many phases now with quick, passing ideas, and even ideas that I'd honestly thought would stick (but didn't). So far, I've just come to the conclusion that I'd like to try out different things, possibly volunteer to work at certain places and see if I like the work. I still hope to extend my schooling, post-graduation, to real estate, animal shelters, events/wedding coordinator, baker, etc. These are all just suggestions for now, so I'm not sure how they'll evolve over time, but I just know that I need to finish my undergraduate degree first, since I've already committed so much time to it by now.
On a lasting note, I hope to improve on my photography. I won't delete any of my current submissions (since a lot of you have favourited them), but I will try to look back on my past mistakes and try to correct them. I will also hopefully create a subtle watermark on my future posts (probably just my name). I'll try to come up with the least annoying logo for it, don't worry, and it won't interfere with the photo quality.
Hobbies? Well I'm still playing World of Warcraft and I was pretty stoked at my first Hallow's End world event with the Headless Horsemen (and got all of his goodies already, yay). Another game I've recently gotten (and beaten) is Pokemon Y.. even bought a new pink 3DS for it, hehe. Overall, I love the new system and I'm already playing some old Legend of Zelda games on it already that I've purchased from the store (like "Link's Awakening" is a good one to get if you're interested and haven't played it yet). But yeahh, here's wishing everyone the best of luck on midterm exams (if you're still in school), and a fantastic Hallowe'en!! I'll probably be in Taiwan by the time Hallowe'en hits, but I hope you all spend time with your friends having fun enjoying life. Half of life is a great party, so let's make the best of it!
I'll probably be in Taiwan by the time Hallowe'en hits, but I hope you all spend time with your friends having fun enjoying life. Half of life is a great party, so let's make the best of it!Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Valentine's Day 2013
4 min read
Sooo.... Valentine's Day came and went, and I was reminded of how lucky I am to have someone like Cookie.. 
Basically, he took the time to plan out an entire day for me, full of the food I love (since he's a cook, and both of us love cooking). When I woke up, he shoved a dozen roses in my face. Mind you, he's bought me flowers every month or two, but this time it was different. The bouquet was HUGE. I think that could have made up half of my entire body! I couldn't stop giggling and looking at it wide-eyed in wonder.
It begun with lunch, since I had a late night and couldn't get up for breakfast. Lunch was a toasted baguette, eaten with blue cheese and cranberry pâté. On the side are green seedless grapes, fresh strawberries, and sparkling peach wine. This was especially sweet of him to do because when we first dated, this was what we ate for dinner all the time. It brought back a lot of sweet memories..
In the afternoon, although he was open to watching a romantic-comedy, I suggested the newest Pokemon movie instead, since neither of us have seen it.
We didn't have much time between meals because I offered to help out with cooking the next meal.
Dinner was a lot more extravagant. We had oysters and grapefruit to start off with. It's unfortunate that the ones we got weren't all that juicy or plump, but I still loved it. After the oysters, we had a mâche salad with roasted pine nuts and a balsamic and olive oil vinaigrette. This was actually super tasty. I love how sweet and sour it tasted. Next up is our shining star of this evening: the wine-braised lamb on top of a bed of polenta. The lamb was fall-off-the-bone yummy.
Since neither of us had enough room to eat dessert, we had our vanilla bean panna cotta later on in the evening. On top is a generous layer of raspberry sauce, some fresh fruit, shaved dark chocolate, and a mint to top it off. We ended off the night with raspberry tea with honey, and fruit. It was, altogether, the best Valentine's Day I've had up-to-date.
****************************************************
Other than that, I've started a second part time job with my school through the work-study program. I am now officially the website developer for our Communications Department's Genomics lab website! I get paid minimum wage ($10.25 per hour), and I can only work up to 140 hours for this semester, but it's enjoyable and flexible and my employers and employees are all very friendly. It's unfortunate that I can't continue this after April, but at least I have this experience down and I can always ask my employers for reference letters (or see if they want to continue to hire me on contract or know someone else who'll hire me? I'm not sure, one can only hope..). I'll link the lab website once it's finished.
Ah yes, speaking of websites, I've finally made my new Tumblr food blog! Basically, I can either choose to blog about something random, or (the main part) I can post recipes of foods I've cooked/baked, and also post general photography. I'm also doing restaurant reviews, although right now, there is no "rating system" yet. I would only say if I recommend going or not, what I liked from it (and what I didn't like), photos of the food, recommendations of which menu items to order, and restaurant information for each post. If you have a Tumblr and wouldn't mind Following Me, than please do. Thanks!!
As for photography, I find less and less time to indulge in my hobby right now, so there is a lack of updates (unfortunately).. However, I just want everyone to know that I am still active and still alive!
I'll try to update more often from now on, though. Thanks for all the support!
Basically, he took the time to plan out an entire day for me, full of the food I love (since he's a cook, and both of us love cooking). When I woke up, he shoved a dozen roses in my face. Mind you, he's bought me flowers every month or two, but this time it was different. The bouquet was HUGE. I think that could have made up half of my entire body! I couldn't stop giggling and looking at it wide-eyed in wonder.It begun with lunch, since I had a late night and couldn't get up for breakfast. Lunch was a toasted baguette, eaten with blue cheese and cranberry pâté. On the side are green seedless grapes, fresh strawberries, and sparkling peach wine. This was especially sweet of him to do because when we first dated, this was what we ate for dinner all the time. It brought back a lot of sweet memories..
In the afternoon, although he was open to watching a romantic-comedy, I suggested the newest Pokemon movie instead, since neither of us have seen it.
We didn't have much time between meals because I offered to help out with cooking the next meal.Dinner was a lot more extravagant. We had oysters and grapefruit to start off with. It's unfortunate that the ones we got weren't all that juicy or plump, but I still loved it. After the oysters, we had a mâche salad with roasted pine nuts and a balsamic and olive oil vinaigrette. This was actually super tasty. I love how sweet and sour it tasted. Next up is our shining star of this evening: the wine-braised lamb on top of a bed of polenta. The lamb was fall-off-the-bone yummy.
Since neither of us had enough room to eat dessert, we had our vanilla bean panna cotta later on in the evening. On top is a generous layer of raspberry sauce, some fresh fruit, shaved dark chocolate, and a mint to top it off. We ended off the night with raspberry tea with honey, and fruit. It was, altogether, the best Valentine's Day I've had up-to-date.
****************************************************
Other than that, I've started a second part time job with my school through the work-study program. I am now officially the website developer for our Communications Department's Genomics lab website!
I get paid minimum wage ($10.25 per hour), and I can only work up to 140 hours for this semester, but it's enjoyable and flexible and my employers and employees are all very friendly. It's unfortunate that I can't continue this after April, but at least I have this experience down and I can always ask my employers for reference letters (or see if they want to continue to hire me on contract or know someone else who'll hire me? I'm not sure, one can only hope..). I'll link the lab website once it's finished. Ah yes, speaking of websites, I've finally made my new Tumblr food blog! Basically, I can either choose to blog about something random, or (the main part) I can post recipes of foods I've cooked/baked, and also post general photography. I'm also doing restaurant reviews, although right now, there is no "rating system" yet. I would only say if I recommend going or not, what I liked from it (and what I didn't like), photos of the food, recommendations of which menu items to order, and restaurant information for each post. If you have a Tumblr and wouldn't mind Following Me, than please do. Thanks!!
As for photography, I find less and less time to indulge in my hobby right now, so there is a lack of updates (unfortunately).. However, I just want everyone to know that I am still active and still alive!
I'll try to update more often from now on, though. Thanks for all the support!
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