Listening to: 10cc - I'm Not In Love
I'm treating this post more like a diary, to keep my thoughts sorted. I think it'll help me, personally. Of course, you don't have to read or comment. This is basically just for me to work out for myself..
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. I feel as though.. I had not known what it was like to really be in love before. Our relationship started out as pure friendship, and steadily grew to unrequited love (on his side). I didn't know how to deal with this kind of attention. Part of me thought it was better to just let him go so that he can pursue someone else. The other part really wanted to stay connected with him. I thought back then that I was just afraid to lose my best friend. In a sense, I was afraid of that, but I feel like the main reason now was that I had unknowingly started to like him back, bit by bit. He was patient and comforting, and he wasn't afraid to tell me his most negative emotions. I still feel, even now, that I've treated him so poorly as a friend.. seeing as to how I was likely using him for some sort of shoulder to cry on whenever my then-boyfriend would make me angry or sad. Even after I was told not to talk to him over and over again, I still did. I wondered why. Even my sister would ask me, "If you say you don't enjoy his company, then why are you always talking to him and hanging out with him?" I had no clue back then.
Long distance relationships are hard, especially when that person is much younger than you and there are dramatic cultural differences between you two. It hurt a lot back then to know that my then-boyfriend's family basically hated me. His brothers would encourage him to never speak to me, and always gave him "work" to do so that he could spend less and less time with me. His parents pretended to be nice to me, but told him privately that things would never work out between us and to forget me as soon as possible. And you know what? I do agree with them. I think I was just way too stubborn back then to admit defeat. I held onto negative feelings after he told me that he had no future planned with me involved in it. I was pretty angry for several months. Now, I'm rather relaxed thinking back on this stuff, because I know that I've fully let go and I just think that the relationship was a learning experience for me. I learned from it that this wasn't what love was.
After we broke up, I started dating my now-boyfriend the very next day. I know that a lot of people would say that this was too fast and that he would likely become a rebound relationship that'll just last a few weeks at most. Boy, am I glad that this wasn't the case. I felt a lot happier with this new guy. He treated me with a lot more respect and I felt a kind of unwavering dedication that I haven't felt from anyone. I honestly thought that I was his world, and slowly, he became my world. He understood my problems, and when he became impatient, at least we worked things out and were both willing to put in the effort to fix things. I am not perfect either. I remember hurting him during our friendship prior to our relationship. I can understand if he had expected me to abandon him in the first few months. I think anyone would think that moving on so soon after a "serious" relationship was a dumb move. I'm so glad I did it though. I never thought of him like a rebound, although I was pretty confused with my feelings at first. I was conflicted with my feelings from my breakup, and the adrenaline I got with my new partner. It took me a good few weeks before I told him that I was ready to become official. I knew he was really nervous about what I was thinking.. I hadn't shown any true emotion while I was dating him during that time, and never told him what was going on in my head. Perplexed, I decided to dive into it rather than leaving him hanging. The love that grew within me flourished slowly. It was difficult to separate "friendship" with "passion". I hadn't seen him in that light before, and had never really anticipated that this would happen. But he was a really nice guy and I started falling for how he looked at me. So intense, as if he was telling me that he'll always me. It's wonderful to know that he still looks at me in the same way and it has never changed since then.
I have a ton of insecurities that harbored within me from what had happened to me. My past two "relationships" with men basically destroyed me. The first one left me broken.. I only remember crying for months and my mind would go blank all the time. I didn't know what else to feel besides pain. He violated my trust, and I hated myself for letting him do that. The second relationship left me insecure about my partner's true feelings. Both made me feel as if I wasn't important and people would eventually just become tired of me in the end. I had insecurities regarding whether or not I was a priority in their lives, whether they cared about the effects of their "mistakes", and my sense of worth as a person. It's unfortunate, but I've reflected these feelings onto my current boyfriend. I hate how this happens.. and I find that when I get angry or sad, I forget about the great things that he has done for me in order to make me happy. We all make mistakes. I just hate that I'm blaming him for the mistakes he has fixed just because of how people have treated me in the past. Even my ex-best friend took advantage of me.. what was I to do but believe that I wasn't worth anything. I started to push him away at some point.. It felt sickening how bad I felt about myself. He would tell me now that it's not my fault, but I know that it is. All I can do now is to fix it.
If anyone is reading this and has issues with jealousy and insecurity regarding their partner, then listen to me. It's not worth to destroy something great that you have with someone you love. The important things are the present and how they treat you now. Relationships involve equal efforts. You need to put in that effort to not let this shit get in the way of your relationship. I would often think back to my own mistakes.. I also would imagine that I would hate it if this was the last thing we talked about. As some people who have lost loved ones would tell you - Treasure your time together, don't spend most of your time fighting about things that don't matter.